A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA Page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation System to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing was required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.

LOL, thats good

Someone had a lot of time...

The True Origin of the Internet



In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.


And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called

'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband,

'Why dost thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied,

'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages
saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the
best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his
tent. But this success did arouse envy A man named Maccabia did secrete
(look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused
of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth
the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called

Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every
drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say,

'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it
came to be known 'eBay' he said,

'We need a name that reflects what we are.'
And Dot replied,

'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'YAHOO!'

said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: "I'm soooo drunk."
**************

::Elmo's Redesign::
A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
*********************

What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
******************


The new Viagra Blue Condom has printed on it...

"This is medicated to the one I love"
******************************

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, now matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you". To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you too".
***********************************
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" And the clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk says "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
*********************

Nice one Graham

Railroad tracks.

This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph. Your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/Process and wonder "What horse's a** came up with it?" you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's a**. And you thought being a horse's a** wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else!



Or as Paul Harvey says……….Now you know the rest of the story!

Priceless.

That's one of my favorites.