You may have seen this before, but it is funny

These are hilarious.


Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking!


Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.


Obviously the answers are a joke but the questions were really asked.


Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.


Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden )

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy )

A: Let's not touch this one.


Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a listof them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England )

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Ca-na-da is that big countries to your North...oh forget it.

Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.

Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.

Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races.

Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany )

A: No, we don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA )

A: Only at Thanksgiving.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )

A: It's called a Moose.

They are tall and very violent.

They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them.

Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


Please send this on to any Canadian (or other) who can use a good giggle.

... well, this from a guy in the US ... Priceless! ... and not all of us (I'll admit, far far too many, still, but not *all*) are that lacking of a clue, though I can't speak for Sweden, England, Italy, or Germany.

And, of course, my favorite:

Quote:

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy ) A: Let's not touch this one.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and> decided to use a
>surrogate father to start their>family. On the day the proxy father was to
>arrive, Mr.>Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off>now, the
>man should be here soon.">>Half an hour later, just by chance, a
>door-to-door baby>photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to
>make>a sale.>>Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''>Oh, no need
>to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,>"I've been expecting
>you.">"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's>good. Did you
>know babies are my specialty?">"Well that's what my husband and I had
>hoped. Please come>in and have a seat">>After a moment she asked, blushing,
>"Well, where do we>start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
>the>bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the>bed. And
>sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can>really spread out
>there.">"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out>for Harry
>and me!">"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every>time. But
>if we try several different positions and I>shoot from six or seven angles,
>I'm sure you'll be pleased>with the results.">"My, that's a lot!" gasped
>Mrs. Smith.>"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.> I'd
>love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure>you'd be disappointed
>with that.">"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.>The photographer
>opened his briefcase and pulled out a>portfolio of his baby pictures. "This
>was done on the top>of a bus," he said.>"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
>grasping at her throat.>"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
>when you>consider their mother was so difficult to work with.">"She was
>difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.>"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take
>her to the>park to get the job done right. People were crowding>around four
>and five deep to get a good look">"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith,
>her eyes wide with>amazement.>"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for
>more than three>hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and>yelling
>- I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness>approached I had to rush my
>shots. Finally, when the>squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
>had to>pack it all in.">Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
>actually>chewed on your, uh... equipment? ">"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well,
>if you're ready, I'll>set-up my tripod and we can get to work right
>away.">"Tripod?">"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
>Canon>on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.">>Mrs. Smith
>fainted.

Bran Muffins



The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though

they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their

pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the

wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.



One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and

their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.



They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took

them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully

stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen

hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.



They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be

your home now"



The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing,"

Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."



The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf

course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.



"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St.

Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."



Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every

imaginable cuisine laid ou t before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic

deserts and free-flowing beverages.



"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven. It is all free

for you to enjoy."



The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where

are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he

asked.



"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as

you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.



This is Heaven!"



The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was

the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All

you do here is enjoy yourself."



The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We

could have been here ten years ago!

roflmao; I have seen that before but it is still funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

" Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers... You'd see a flock of birds, come by laughing hysterically."

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

" I was sad because I had no shoes, then I met a man with no feet. So I said, " Got any shoes yo're not using?"

Makes me think of the homeless guy with only one shoe...and someone said:

"Sorry to see you lost a shoe"...to which he replied looking pleased with himself:

"Actually I found one"

Colledge prank

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1772718

LOL, That was a good prank

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via internet, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.