by Larry Richman
September 7, 2006 10:33 PM

Hello from Toronto! Or should I say bonjour! Hehe. I knew that because I have Bonjour.com bookmarked. Okay, well, not really. Well, I mean I do have it bookmarked but I didn't need it to know how to say hello. No, really. So tonight is opening night of the 2006 Toronto International Film Festival, or TIFF. Since I'm pretty wiped out after ten hours of driving, I'll just post some initial observations as I settle into my room here overlooking beautiful Lake Ontario. Well, actually I overlook the 401 Highway, but the Lake is somewhere on the other side. I think.

1) 500+ miles is a long drive. It amounted to about ten hours including a half dozen stops. I started with half a tank of gas and had to fill it up twice along the way. Which begs the question, why would I subject myself to such a thing? Well, you need to know that I have been traveling a lot. I have been on 21 planes in the last year. I counted. It seemed like it might not be a bad idea to drive this time. I wouldn't have to worry about how many bags to take or which ones would be best to carry on, check, etc. And I could take all the hair gel I wanted. I couldn't wait to get to Canada.

2) Do not drive 80 MPH in a 65 zone when you're the only one on the road on a completely deserted stretch of interstate and you're just ten miles from the border. New York State Troopers don't like that. That speeding ticket was America's way of saying, "so long sucka, have fun north of the border where they have no speed limit and you can drive as fast as you want."

3) There is no speed limit in Canada. You can drive as fast as you want. It's true. There are signs by the side of the road that say "Maximum 110km/hr." I'm not sure why they're there. Maybe they were surplus signs leftover from the post-World War II years when they used to have a speed limit. I think the minimum you have to drive in order to avoid getting run off the road is 120. It took me awhile to figure that out, as cars went whizzing by me. I think I was eventually cruising along in the slow lane at about 140. I drove about 200 miles on the 401 Highway West along Lake Ontario and never saw one cop. Maybe they don't have them here? Or they're all on horseback and they can't go 120km/hr anyway.

4) The lady in my talking map did not start talking French as I crossed the border. I was worried about that. Oh, I have this snazzy new GPS navigation system in my car that talks. I guess I should have explained that.

5) Ladies who work in gas stations in the middle of Nowhere, Ontario are very nice. They even let you pump gas without paying. Well actually, the pump rejected all my cards. "Is it American?" she asked. "They reject them, I don't know why. Just pump it and pay me afterwards." That would never happen in Philadelphia.

6) I don't know how liters convert to gallons and US dollars to Canadian as I'm standing at the pump filling up, so I can't tell you how good the gas prices are here. Maybe they're good, maybe they're not.

7) A lady in your car telling you where to turn is an awesome thing to have when you're in a strange country and you've been driving for ten hours and have no clue where you are or where you're going. She took me right to the hotel entrance. She even helped me get back to the road if I made a wrong turn. Although I never did that.

8) If you find a card in your room saying "have this bottle with our compliments" and there's no bottle there, it's very likely that the maid was extra thirsty. Make sure you make good on that.

9) If the desktop is so new and slippery that your nice new wireless laptop mouse won't work on it, a t-shirt works just fine.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Oh, did I mention that there is a film festival going on? Yes, that's why I'm here. And tomorrow morning I'll be at the box office bright and early to hand over my "pickup voucher" and get the package of tickets waiting for me.

Oh, and I almost had my ticket pickup voucher confiscated at the border. When I presented the voucher to document why I was entering Canada, the customs agent said, "hey, if I keep this does that mean I get to pickup your tickets?" I said, "sure, if you feel like seeing 30 films in the next ten days." The lady in my car laughed and he handed it back and told me to enjoy my stay. At least I think that's what he said. I'll have to check Bonjour.com.